Oh, save me from the arrogant, ignorant and certain.

[catsidhe]

Save me, Lady, from people who take a good idea and an inability to see reason, and combine them in a whirlwind of slander and bullshit.

Thesis: Hitting children is wrong.
Thesis: Spanking is hitting.
Conclusion: Spanking is morally indistinguishable from beatings, and anyone who has ever spanked their child for any reason, or who tries to suggest that there might ever be mitigating or even condoning circumstances is practically as much a monster as someone who beats their children to sleep at night.

Save me. Save me from people who think that their successes and luck set a minimum moral standard. Who think that a hint of gray is as good as the pitchest black. Who refuse to consider that others might be different.

His hyperbole gripped me. His absolute conviction that a single smack on the bottom is as much child abuse as is a backhand to the face. That context is irrelevant, a trivialising distraction, a craven attempt at excusing something abhorrent. And it made me angry, because he is accusing me of torturing, tormenting, my children. [Ed: by implication.] Of accusing me of saying that “terror is an acceptable way to raise a child.”

He accused me of terrorising my children. How dare he? He really, honestly and deliberately made the claim that my ever having given my child a swat on the bottom if they try to run onto the road is equivalent to keeping my family under a climate of fear and intimidation.

And then, in a hissy fit to put a child to shame, he unfriended me. It's his right. It's his journal. But still: how juvenile! The action of a petulant teenager: who knows that he omniscient, and the existence of an alternative is not something to be argued, but something which is a personal insult just by existing, and the best answer to this is to stick your fingers in your ears and shout. [He now claims that it was because I was becoming hysterical, and he has indeed unscreened all my comments. He is also accusing me of being a liar.]

Well, I hope he enjoys his life, and the company of his echo chamber. Just because I have been known to agree with him and those on his journal, what he has is an echo chamber, if he systematically excludes anyone who disagrees with him, it's an echo chamber. But because he does say things worthy of hearing, I have not unfriended him. [OK, after the way he has insulted every one of thse of my friends who expressed sympathy or support, and then insulted my wife, he has earned contempt. I've unfriended him and if he wants to say something here he has to wait for me to grant him the right.]

Me, that exchange left me shaking. So I drove home, and gave my daughters, my treasures, the pulse of my heart, a hug goodnight and somehow completely failed to hit them in any way whatsoever. But because of sammaelhain, for the first time in my life, I couldn't get the image out of my head of me hurting my own children. I hope he's happy. [He claims that this is because I have a guilty conscience. I respond that it is because it is a deeply disturbing thought, of which nightmares are made.]

He has done to me the same thing that people like Hetty Johnstone have done: he has made me second-guess every interaction I have with my children. He has made me look for evil in every innocent interaction. He has done his little bit to murder the joy I feel with my children. I hope I get over it, but the scar will twitch for a long, long time. I shouldn't let it, but it will.

Comments

on holds and physical restraints

[xi-o-teaz.livejournal.com]

No, I have trouble with the fact that any physical discipline is wrong, yet the physical restraint of a child, with no qualifiers for duration, severity, or method, is seen as a positive thing by the lack of negative comments made about it.

LOL

First of all, there are countless SERIOUS qualifiers for duration, severity, and method. We had to do constant training to keep us up to date on all the finer points of this. And there is significant oversight specifically put in place to minimize the potential for abuse. The paperwork after a 30 second restraint would take me a minimum of a full hour to complete. Although rare, I've spent entire 10-hour shifts dealing with all the oversight on a single situation that blew up from me saying "No" to a child (which is how most of them start, BTW).

And just to be clear, holds were NEVER, EVER seen as--in any way, shape, form or fashion--"positive". I'm calling you out on a straw man argument, here. Holds were the single thing I hated (and feared, honestly) more than anything at that job--or any other, for that matter. I cried (at home, where I could) more times than I could count that I was forced into the position of physically restraining a child. But given the choice between that and a child--e.g., violently swinging a piece of molding they ripped off a wall with nails sticking out of it, ready to impale someone in the face--I did what I had to to keep everyone safe.

We very much took the same outlook on physical confrontations as does Aikido--neutralizing the physical threat with minimal harm to everyone involved, all the while respecting the dignity and showing compassion for all. This is key.

Railing against the use of restraints, unfortunately, only shows the ignorance from those who have obviously never been in my shoes, or the shoes of my (former) co-workers. Trust me when I say that if there would have been a better way, we would have found it.

Re: on holds and physical restraints

[catsidhe.livejournal.com]

This was, I think, meant as a reductio ad absurdam.

She is trying to make the connection between the difference between the abusive restraint of Romanian orphanages and the appropriate restraint of psych wards, to abusive beatings and corrective smacks.

Of course, there is a place for restraint, and there are rightly qualifiers on what may be done, how and when. (May I also add praise for those who do such work, something which is not given often enough.)

Just as there is a place for a smack, and qualifiers for who, how and when that can be done.

Re: on holds and physical restraints

[pearl]

Thank-you, I would have replied sooner, but you've said it already.
Maybe next time I won't be so subtle?