feh. &c.

[catsidhe]

Woof.

---

Abbi was very proud of herself yesterday when she went off to childcare. She was wearing a skirt and proudly proclaimed "I look like a princess!"

It is said that every father likes the idea of his daughter being a princess. Not least, however, because of what this implies of his status.

---

I think I know what was the straw that drew the Dog onto me: Rolf Harris' Celebrity Portraits last night. It's wonderful to watch, but when I do, all I can think about, in between bouts of crippling envy as to the artists' skill, is that I used to draw. I used to paint. I haven't picked up a pencil in anger in over a decade, and when I try now, I am so disgusted with my attempts that I have to give up. And as for painting, I would love to paint. I just have to set up an easel and canvas. I just have to get an easel and canvas I just have to find a place to set up an easel and canvas i just have to find the time to work on an easel and canvas ijusthavetohave the skillto dosomethingworthwhile withaneasel andcanvasijusthavetohavetohaveto...

Ah fuckit.

I can't read Charles de Lint's Memories and Dreams either, for the same reason. It is full, from beginning to end, of descriptions of the joy of painting, of the way you can lose yourself in creation, and surround yourself with the results, and thus pass some of that joy on to others. I once had a taste of that. Ok, so I wasn't Leonardo, but I could dream. And now I fear that I will never feel that joy again.¹

And on my friends list are so many brilliant writers. At least one for whom writing is his profession, and tooticky who has won her way into a writing workshop. (That is, won as the prize for effort, rather than through dumb luck.) And me? I can whinge. I have written the occasional decent diatribe. But I just can't put the pieces together to write a story, whether short or long. I spend far too much time at the level of words and sentences to be able to stand back and look at plot or character. I don't even know where to begin.

And even if I did know, I don't have the time to practice. My time is chopped into little pieces, whatever the day, or time of day, or place. And flow is as important to art as it is to coding. You need that time to get the work into your head, and get your head around it before you can start to meaningfully add to what's there, and once you're in that flow then time ceases to have meaning. Flow is a precious state

... three hours later ...

You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

---

Right now I just want to hide under my desk and cry. Literally.

I used up today's quota of 'happyface' earlier this morning, and now I can't even bring myself to fake being cheerful.

I hate that dog.

---

[1] Of course, at the moment I find it hard to feel any joy whatsoever, but you get the idea.

Comments

[ghymoreids-mum.livejournal.com]

i studied piano to 'letters' level........
*i 'think' i understand what you mean*

[kitling.livejournal.com]

Some pictures you have drawn are still on display around our house. A comic book cover in the toilet, a dragon on my wall which is still comtemplate turning into a tatt.

I wish I could encourage you to draw more.

[usuakari.livejournal.com]

*random hug alternative*

Today, I really know how you feel. Lots of running around accomplishing fuck-all. No-one's better. No-one's worse. And uultimately I haven't actually done much. I'm coming to the conclusion that an afternoon spent reading up on mental health strategies in the workplace when somewhat sleep-deprived is not all that good for me.

[tooticky.livejournal.com]

Didn't think I'd let this pass uncommented on, did you?
I can deeply empathise, both with the feeling of lost/suspended talents and the lack of time or energy to fulfill them- strangely enough, given my recent good fortune.
A couple of things come to mind, in no particular order.
1)I'm the same with music. I gave up a pretty respectable musical talent about fourteen years ago for a combination of reasons that now seem both stupid and inevitable. Some of them were as simple as I couldn't live at home and go to uni when it took me 2 hours to get there, and I couldn't take my piano with my to my new house. Music aggravated a tendency in me to be harsh on myself, and elitist- therefore, I tend to feel that I've "forfeited" my talent. And worse still, I will never sit down to play while I feel this way about myself. Just stupid really. Beating myself up because I'm not going to be world class now, and denying myself a real pleasure.
2)Meagan Lindholm/Robin Hobb, that patron saint of new parents and struggling artists delivered a powerful kick in the pants to me at Continuum last year by saying that "you will never have any more time than you have now". What she did as a young mother of 21 was put a small amount of time aside each week to work on her writing. And she was very brave, and probably more than a little arrogant, and she kept going no matter how tired and worried she got. She, and an artist colleague at work is testimony to me that it is possible to pursue an art you love and work and have children. They both give me hope! That being said, you need to choose a time that's yours. Turn the tv off. Clear a space in your house (and I know that's at a premium right now) and have a look at something you'd like to do. Write down your ideas, even if they're stupid. It doesn't matter- you've begun. That's exactly what I do. It takes me about six months to write 6000 words of fiction at the moment, but I hope to get faster.
3)Any art is a craft. Perhaps your abilities as a teenager seemed greater to you back then partially because you were less discriminating, through less exposure. Perhaps it's harder to look at what you're doing now with the same pride and optimism, now you know you're not on an instant path to glory. but crafts are learnable, perfectable things, where it's okay to get it wrong, and try fixing your mistakes. Perhaps on your list could be a special class to attend that helps you with technical skills you need, or provides you with inspiration. This is the only way that I can approach writing that allows me to write. Otherwise I would see an impermeable barrier between myself and "real writers". Be humble, but not defeatist, if that makes sense. Take pleasure in just doing the thing.
4) Everyone who tries any art-form suffers from that feeling that your time is chopped into pieces. I hate it. But I have to support myself, and I have a foot-hold in a career that might oneday actually pay me, and that I love. I think it's worse when you're studying as well, personally, and I can imagine having kids would be a perpetual interruption. The only thing I can suggest is that you can't wait until "inspiration comes" and then start, especially when time management is such an issue for you. Instead you have to create a space for inspiration to live, both physically and inside you. Internally, the inspiration that i think you mean when you describe "flow" continues, breathing in and out whether you work on the project today or tomorrow. The best you can do is sit down and give yourself a space to try.
Good luck. :)

[catsidhe.livejournal.com]

Perhaps your abilities as a teenager seemed greater to you back then partially because you were less discriminating,

Pretty well. When I go and look at some of it now I cringe, but that is normal with juvenilia. Sometimes, though, I wonder if it was really me who did that, and I wonder if I could do it again if I tried.

And then I try...

BAD DOG!! OFF THE COUCH!!! OUTSIDE!!! NOW!!!!

[tooticky.livejournal.com]

Grrrr.
Seriously catsidhe, if living with Mim's family hasn't taught you by now, dogs naturally have such a high oppinion of themselves that they'll make themselves pack leader if you let them. If that was my dog, I'd swat his nose with a rolled up newspaper.
They stand all over everything with their enormous paws, dribble and bring mud in. They think they're Helping. Gentle, but firm- but you've got to be boss, or he'll be humping your leg while you fix him his dinner. And that's just embarrassing.
*ahem*
Anyway, I know this is hard right now, but at the risk of sounding overly Pollyanna-ish, the only way to get better is to be gentle on yourself and keep trying and learning. I hope you find the pleasure of it again, even more than the craft. So, by the sound of it, do quite a few other people who care about you. I think your wife and kids might like it too! :)

On Flow

[catsidhe.livejournal.com]

Flow is a wierd, but pleasant, state to be in. Good programmers report going into Flow, as do good mathematicians when working on a problem. Flow is not simply the process of insipration. As you say, the back-brain keeps churning away, and conscious flashes of insight can arrive at the oddest times. But so long as those insights are locked in your head, they are of little use.

Flow is that state you get into when the words just pass from your brain directly onto the paper (or the screen, whatever), and when you look up it's nine hours later. It doesn't necessarily mean that those words are good words, but there does seem to be a correlation between developing the skill of entering Flow, and of developing the craft of good writing/programming/maths/whatever.

I have only ever been to music what a one-fingered typist is to stenography, but I imagine that Flow while performing would be where the audience doesn't distract, and may not even be noticed, but what there is is you, (and the other musicians,) and the music coming out of your instrument, and such trivial details as fingering are irrelevant; when the instrument becomes a part of you, like your own fingers, rather than something you have to manipulate. Again, it doesn't of itself guarantee that the music you are playing is good, but it does become effortless, and there tends to be a correlation between the ability to play music well and the ability to lose yourself in that music.

And the thing about flow is that it takes time to get into that state, and it can be really jarring to be yanked out of it. And some programmers have reported that Flow is in itself such a pleasant experience that they will find problems to solve so that they can enter Flow.

Re: On Flow

[tooticky.livejournal.com]

Then "flow" is a programmers word for what writers I know, like Alecto23 and zombine-monkey, called the "writer's high". Musicians get it too. So do fighters. You become what you are doing. It's utterly intoxicating. Better than being in love, I think. Better or just about as good as the best sex- and you can have it in sex too, now I think about it. but being in love is closer. But like infatuation, I think that it's not always a reliable feeling, or a test of the worth of your work.
I last got it in January this year- I was writing about flying. And I seriously flew. For about two weeks, whether I was writing or not, I was in the story. Yes, it takes time and immersion, and it's disorienting to be yanked out of it. But it seems to partially be a product of your "engine running hot", so setting out looking for it won't work. And while work produced in that state feels blessed, if you look for the state before you look for the process and the work, then you'll never feel it. Also, the real work of making something, as you know, is the spade work. Not the euphoria.
Negotiating the euphoria of the writer's high, the way that the world was over-laid with alternate worlds, stories and meaning, how all I "really " wanted to do was write, while working, having a partner, trying to have a life- it was jarring and weird, but good. But it also went away. Engines need to cool down, and i got distracted by weddings and stuff. The disorientation is a price that I'm willing to pay for the sake of feeling that good in the first place.
However, I'm not worried that I'll never feel it again. I think that's one thing this year has taught me. Flow is the by-product of the work, not the work itself. The place in my mind where the stories live not only churns away, but when the insights come, these days I try to get them down in notes at least for later. That invites more to come. And then when I have time, i sit down and string them together, and suddenly I'm writing. And flying, without even worrying about how I've done it.
I have little doubt that if you keep inviting your ideas by jotting them or sketching them down, no matter how silly they may seem to you at the time, sooner or later you'll find the "flow". You know how it feels already.

Re: On Flow

[usuakari.livejournal.com]

I knew there was a reason I married you... even if I'm not completely sure I actually agree with your position (which just makes it more interesting, in the end). :)

Catsidhe, one thing that does spring to mind is that (like many of us) you're probably over-thinking the issue. "Try? There is no try." Just go and paint or draw something, and then go and paint or draw something else. Worry about the results later. Maybe miniatures would be a good start, as I seem to remember that you're pretty good at them.

And as your Mum pointed out, the calligraphy ad illumination surely count.

Lost dreams

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, I too, understand. Once upon a time I made beautiful clothes for the children of the elite of Melbourne. I created garments for many people, some of them were brides. Then I had children and I had little time to sew, but still did some. When a need to earn a living took over my life there was no time to for anything else and at the end of the day I was too tired. I am hoping that if I can ever retire, I will still have the eyesight and ability to learn again. At the moment I do not have the confidence.
Try to have a drawing pad and when you can, do some drawing. It won't take up much space and like anything (such as music) a little often will keep up you ability to get back to it when you can. And, don't give up your calligraphy.
Mum

Re: Lost dreams

[tooticky.livejournal.com]

Yay Mum. :)